Category Archives: Hit Parade

Cartoon Caption Contest: Breakfast of Champions

From introspective Dr. Mouse contest winner Roy Futterman (“More important, however, is what I learned about myself”):

I’m not the Criticas magazine guy. I’m some psychologist guy. The only other notice I’ve gotten is some old lady who took the time to find my home address and write to me to tell me that I’m not funny. That’s the first “the price of fame” chapter of my future E! True Hollywood Story.

When asked for his caption-contest wisdom, Roy humbly demurred: “You should just let the world know that if they become finalists, they will get insulting email from the elderly.”

I can’t think of a better reason to enter. This week, there’s a drawing of a surfboard executive with your name on it. The New Yorker cartoonists are even psyched about having their work in the spotlight—this according to the sweet Eric Lewis, who has a cartoon in the magazine this week, makes incredible sculptures, and who was kind enough to let me ask him a millon questions last night. Well, psyched except for the (non-present) artist who reportedly quipped, “Hey, let’s ask David Remnick if we can have a contest where readers can write in the last paragraph of his article!” You knew it wasn’t all unicorns in the garden over there all the time, didn’t you? Be all you can be—vote for Jennifer Cain’s roaming minutes, give Vice President Jeff Spicoli something to say, and wait for the abusive snail mail to start pouring in. From the little old lady in Dubuque, most likely.

***

Other Emdashes caption-contest interviews:

  • Robert Gray, winner #106 (“Have you considered writing this story in the third monkey rather than the first monkey?”)
  • David Kempler, winner #100 (“Don’t tell Noah about the vasectomy.”)
  • David Wilkner, winner #99 (“I’d like to get your arrow count down.”)
  • Carl Gable, winner #40 (“Hmm. What rhymes with layoffs?”)
  • T.C. Boyle, winner #29 (“And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too.”)
  • Adam Szymkowicz (“Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your parrot’s a clip-on”), winner #27, and cartoonist Drew Dernavich interview each other in three parts: One, Clip-On Parrots and Doppelgangers; Two, Adam and Drew, Pt. Two; Three, Clip-On Parrots’ Revenge
  • Evan Butterfield, winner #15 (“Well, it’s a lovely gesture, but I still think we should start seeing other people.”)
  • Jan Richardson, winner #8 (“He’s the cutest little thing, and when you get tired of him you just flush him down the toilet.”)

Mrs. Parker and the Amherst Rival

I have no doubt my new pals at the Dorothy Parker Society will get on this and mobilize the martini militia:

The Academy of American Poets, which promotes the virtues of American verse in schools, libraries and on the internet, has come up with a novel way of raising funds: it wants its users to adopt a poet. A single poet costs $30, $50 bags you a pair, $70 gets you three and $100 secures you five, a real bargain. However, you don’t actually get to meet the writer (which is just as well, as many of them are dead) but your name, city and state will be listed on your chosen poet’s page. Emily Dickinson, for example, has so far attracted 21 admirers yet Dorothy Parker has, at the time of writing, not one supporter. Anyone who can compose the following, however, gets my vote: “Three be the things I shall never attain: / Envy; content; and sufficient champagne.” Further details can be found at www.poets.org.

They should really add some cheaper poets, like my friends and me. If 100 unknown poets get sponsored at a buck a throw, they bring in as much as the faculty of a well-regarded MFA program! The Academy could run photos of the tears welling up in the big eyes of a forgotten language poet, in the style of ads by Feed the Children and co. that shame the viewer by comparing the price of a cup of coffee (and that’s plain deli coffee, not your caramel macchiato frivolity) to the worth of a human life. Adopt Parker (who donated every dime to the NAACP when she died, by the way) and a dozen of your favorite Frequency readers, and you’ll feel really good and thrifty, too, what with all that nasty expensive coffee you didn’t drink. Also, in the case of the sub-minor poets, you would be free to meet us. We are not, at press time, dead.

Literary Life [Telegraph; see on the same page a truly chilling note on a Scottish bookseller who’s been burning his surplus. Ugh.]

My necktie rich and modest

Truly the story of the image of poets in our age: “Acclaimed poet keeps his day job selling suits at The Gardens mall,” from the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. The reporter-game-for-an-arts-assignment piece is worth quoting in its entirety (with boldface emphasis by me):

Acclaimed poet keeps his day job selling suits at The Gardens mall

By Mike Clary
Staff Writer
Posted May 2 2005

Amid the shelves of precisely folded dress shirts, in the routine and punctuality required of a Brooks Brothers clerk, Spencer Reece found the perfect antidote to a life of emotional turmoil.

Grounded by his daily toil in retail, he started a savings account, took a lover and finished a collection of poems 15 years in the making.

But don’t suppose, just because the gangly Juno Beach resident has been hailed by The New Yorker, won a prestigious poetry prize and published a first book greeted with acclaim, that he will quit his day job at The Gardens mall in Palm Beach Gardens.

“I need my job,” said Reece, 41. “It taught me about life, to be a team player, to work with others. I know it seems pedestrian. But it suits me.”

Published last year by Houghton Mifflin Co., “The Clerk’s Tale” is as thin and spare as its author, yet eloquent in its spot-on depiction of life shot through with longing and loss.

“I do not know a contemporary book in which poems so dazzlingly entertaining contain, tacitly, so much sorrow,” wrote former U.S. poet laureate Louise Glück in the book’s introduction.

Glück recommended Reece’s work to New Yorker poetry editor Alice Quinn, who in June 2003 devoted the entire back page of the magazine’s fiction issue to the title poem of the collection. She said his collection is “one of the most moving and unified first books I’ve read.”

In the past few months, Reece has done readings at the Library of Congress and at book fairs in Los Angeles and Texas, and won grants from the Guggenheim Memorial Foundation and the National Endowment for the Arts. And he has begun several new poems.

Still, Reece is a poet and a clerk, as much at home now with pinpoint and broadcloth as with the meter and rhyme.

“Poetry is meditative, and requires an amount of silence,” Reece said, “and the store is all noise, movement and fractured interchanges.”

In a world where too few read, and fewer still read verse, poetry does not pay. But Brooks Brothers does – about $30,000 a year for an assistant manager.

The life of a poet has never been easy. As a youth, Lord Alfred Tennyson was dogged by poverty. W.B. Yeats suffered from unrequited love. Ezra Pound and Robert Lowell were haunted by madness.

From a privileged beginning, as the son of a well-to-do Minnesota physician, Reece, too, found anguish. After studying at Bowdoin College and Wesleyan University, he earned a master’s degree in English Renaissance poetry in York, England, and then entered Harvard Divinity School. Headed toward a career in the ministry, he was awarded a master’s degree in theology in 1990.

After returning to Minnesota to live on the family farm, Reece’s world crumbled. His parents went bankrupt and could not accept their son’s homosexuality. He became estranged from his younger brother.

Nearing a breakdown, Reece said he committed himself to a mental hospital in 1994. “When I speak of the weather, is it because I cannot speak of my days spent in the nuthouse?” he writes in his poem Florida Ghazals.

After his hospital stay, Reece needed a job, and found it at Brooks Brothers in the Mall of America outside Minneapolis. “At first I thought it wouldn’t suit me,” he said. “But the job became a good fit.”

Reece transferred to the Palm Beach store in 1998, and four years ago moved to The Gardens, store No. 52, where he rose to assistant manager.

His boss, store manager Ellen Morris, said Reece’s success as a poet has not infringed on his role as a valued employee. “I think he is humbled by what’s happened to him after all these years of trying to get published,” she said. “It has not changed him. He’s a good person.”

Reece’s partner, Paul McNamara, 52, who has a business repairing car interiors, admits, “I’m not a literary guy.”

Yet, said McNamara, Reece “has an open heart. He can really engage the audience. I like watching him perform.”

Out of his formal Brooks Brothers attire on a recent day off, Reece wears Madras shorts, a white shirt, Ray-Ban shades and, from his most recent out-of-town reading, a ball cap stitched with the slogan “Keep Austin Weird.”

During a meandering trek from the beach in Lantana, Fla., to a nearby apartment house, where he lived until moving in with McNamara, Reece is asked to take the measure of his life at midpoint.

Like Prufrock in the T.S. Eliot poem, which has served as one of his touchstones, Reece worries aloud about growing old, about estrangements and opportunities lost.

Yet he is happy where he is, being of service and working with others. Pausing near a dock on the Intracoastal Waterway, Reece recalled a store party the staff threw for him when his book was published.

“They are not readers,” he said. “But they had a party and I cried. I didn’t think they cared that much. But they do.”

Also like J. Alfred Prufrock, I experienced many emotions while reading this piece. One was gratitude that a regular newspaper bothered to interview a mid-career, first-book poet about his life and work. That’s so nice. I was touched by Reece’s difficult journey (the boyfriend sounds like a sweetie) and pleased for him about his success (even despite my bitterness at Louise Gluck’s somehow having passed me over for Yale Younger Poets). And yet I find it all so incredible—the idea that any poet could quit his day job after the a single book’s publication. $30,000 a year? Hang onto your silk socks, friend! It’s not going to get much better than that, especially if you’re an adjunct.

Blogger ate the rest of this post after it went up, but I think the gist was that poets don’t make a nickel, even in academia (supposedly the gold at the end of the sellout rainbow, but I haven’t seen it work that way till people are on their maybe fourth book, and well into their fifties). Forget about Tennyson (I love that aside about Yeats suffering from unrequited love, by the way!)—Spencer Reece needs his job, Louise Gluck needs her job, and so does every other poet you’ve ever heard of or not heard of. Oh, I know; I also said Brooks Bros. should start hiring poets in all their stores—to provide excellent outfit descriptions on the sales floor (we’re good with colors), exude sensitivity and taste, and celebrate with the staff at each publication. I think it would benefit everyone.

(5.09.05 issue) What happens when you call the phone number in this week’s Shouts & Murmurs?

The number, in Patricia Marx’s clever Audio Tour, is (212) 399-4838, an unusually authentic-sounding number to give out. Would there be an elaborate fiction on the other side, or even the weaselly Todd Niesle himself? Though I didn’t try at 3 a.m., as the vengeful Debby suggests, I did call. I got this message:

“Thank you for calling Mutual of America. Our office has relocated. Our new telephone number is: (212) 224-1600. Thank you for calling Mutual of America.”

Over at Mutual of America, they haven’t been getting any curious calls (and don’t remember speaking to anyone at the magazine). They do get The New Yorker there in the office, but nobody’d seen the story that communications director Marilyn Graves knew of. “That number was from our old location,” she said. How long ago did they move? “Oh, we’ve been here in this building [on Park Avenue] for ten years.” They certainly cover their bases! The old location: 666 Fifth Ave. Todd, is there something else we didn’t know about you?

R.I.P., A.D.

Andrea Dworkin has died, and all the bloggers are talking. The question is, will andrea_dworkin, the ambivalent love-hunter on Spring Street Networks (which administers the Salon and Nerve personals, among others), expire as well? I noticed her about a year ago, and she appears to be going strong (if not especially active). Some highlights from the profile:

Occupation: professional victim

Cigarettes: Sometimes
Booze: Sometimes
Drugs: Sometimes
Self-love: Often
Self-deprecation: Often

Most humbling moment:
the defeat of the PVCA (Pornography Victim’s Compensation Act) in 1993.

Favorite on-screen sex scene:
sex is filthy, violent and demeaning to all women.

If I could be anywhere at the moment:
anywhere with my hands around the throat of susie bright.

Song or album that puts me in the mood:
these boots were made for walkin’

The five items I can’t live without:
my fucked up system of morals
my hair
copies of my books
susie bright effigy
my ego

Fill in the blanks: ambiguity is sexy; asexuality is sexier

In my bedroom, you’ll find: two beds

It’s not exactly a nuanced portrait, but I happen to know that at least a few men (not women’s studies majors, it’s reasonable to assume) fell for the anonymous prankster’s ruse and wrote to the un-Andrea with ire and confusion. She would’ve liked that, I think.

Andrea Dworkin, 1946-2005 [Slate]
The Passion of Andrea Dworkin [Salon]

(4.11.05 issue) This week’s best piece…

so far—and I’m well into the magazine—is Todd Pruzan’s “Global Warning.” [Update: It’s now a gorgeously produced book, The Clumsiest People in Europe: Or, Mrs. Mortimer’s Bad-Tempered Guide to the Victorian World. How can you resist?]
The Clumsiest People in Europe by Todd Pruzan and Mrs. Favell Lee Mortimer.jpg
But back to our story. “Global Warning” isn’t the winningest of New Yorker headlines, considering the subtle elegance of Pruzan’s storytelling. But if you don’t read this, you’ll be sorry. Subtitled “Mrs. Mortimer’s Guide to the World,” it’s all about a Victorian geography-book and children’s-morality-primer writer whose work was incredibly popular, all the more incredibly (to many) because her views were so preposterously prejudiced against pretty much everybody.
Pruzan writes, after reading Mrs. Favell Lee Mortimer on “the habits of German women”:

The passage’s escalating scorn, with its absolutist damnation of silly women and smoking and novels, actually startled me. Half an hour later, my friends and I sat around our back yard, drinking beer and passing the book around, hooting and slapping our wooden picnic table as we read aloud from the little book’s casual condemnations of the Portugese (“indolent, like the Spaniards”), the Poles (“they speak so loud they almost scream”), and the Icelanders “I think it would almost make you sick to go to church in Iceland”).

What I like best is that Pruzan, who became intrigued enough with Mortimer’s story that he edited a collection of her writing (due out in June; nothing’s even been published about her since a 1950 letter to The New Yorker by her grandniece), begins by mocking her seemingly whimsical bigotry, but gradually begins to wonder what brought her to write as she did and who she was.
He praises Mortimer’s writing style as “direct, persuasive, forceful,” and Pruzan’s is that, plus; reading this piece is like lying in a stream and letting water rush over you. It’s really funny, too. He sympathizes with Mortimer’s considerable trials and shakes his head at her (as he labels it) sadism. Then he goes to the overgrown graveyard, established circa 1322, of an English coastal town to search for her headstone! Now that’s what I call a critic at large.
The only essay I’ve liked this much recently is Ian Frazier’s memoir of hitchhiking and neighbor-gazing in Ohio. Who is Todd Pruzan, anyway? The Contributors page is no help—it’s a riddle, reinforcing what we already knew (that he’s the author of The Clumsiest People in Europe, which comes out in June).
But what else? My very intimate friend Google leads me safely to the arms of Gothamist, which has a witty interview with him from last year. Bloomsbury confirms that he’s an editor at Print magazine, which fits with his tale of fondling dusty old books in Martha’s Vineyard till Mrs. Mortimer’s caught his eye.
We may have another Donald Antrim situation on our hands. (That’s admiration, people, not stalking.) Give this man a three-part series!
Test Yourself for Hidden Bias [Southern Poverty Law Center]

Will the new Gladwell theory stick?

The whole world is tipping and blinking because of rockstar MG, and who am I to deny his powers of encapsulation? Since he’s been manufacturing theories faster than the JustBorn factory makes Peeps, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there’s a brand-new one ready to blow the minds of Oprah and C.O.O.s alike. I’ll see if I can convey it coherently to you—I feel so tippy already! (Tipping-pointy takes too long to say, and it always makes me think of the Steve Martin poem: “O pointy birds, o pointy pointy/Anoint my head, anointy nointy.”) OK, this is the gist. The blinky thing works pretty well for initial relationship judgments, e.g. I know a louse when I see him. But after you’ve been involved with someone for a while, it’s awfully hard to tell if it’s going to last; we’re all prone to (as he likes to say) mind blindness. Leave it to Gladwell to pinpoint a technique we’ve all been using but didn’t know it: discerning commitment via concrete physical signals.

This isn’t the body language code we had so much fun with in the seventies. It’s simpler than that (but, this being Gladwell, infinitely more complex as well, natch). Say you’re wondering if the person you’ve been seeing is interested in more than a casual affair. How do you know? Drawing on cutting-edge neuroscience and psychology once again, Gladwell breaks it down instinct by instinct. You might be tempted to trust your sweetie’s gaze, for instance; eyes may be windows to the soul, but they have deceptively patterned curtains. Same goes for his visage generally, not to mention those theatrical exhalations and comforting hugs—charisma ain’t devotion.

Basically, you can’t really go by the way someone acts toward you; ultimately, humans need to judge each other by a single standard, another “adaptive unconscious,” if you will, and it may be a surprising one. It’s the ultimate thin-slicing: the locus of affection is in oscular delivery. I can’t do it justice, though; you’ll have to take it from him, particularly because, somewhat surprisingly, he repeatedly expresses concern that his message is not being properly listened to.

Look for Gladwell’s newest epidoozy on the special table at superstores near you—judging from the galley, it’s going to be as massive as the other two. It’s called Shoop…catchy.

The Spin Myth [New Yorker, via Gladwell.com]

Categories:

Tangled Web

E.B. White, who once suggested February be abolished, would have been glad this one’s almost over. In a springier time, he wrote:

NATURAL HISTORY
(A Letter to Katharine, from the King Edward Hotel, Toronto)

The spider, dropping down from twig,
Unwinds a thread of her devising:
A thin, premeditated rig
To use in rising.

And all the journey down through space
In cool descent, and loyal-hearted,
She builds a ladder to the place
From which she started.

Thus I, gone forth, as spiders do,
In spider’s web a truth discerning,
Attach one silken strand to you
For my returning.

My returning! Yes, it’s time for the inevitable live-action Charlotte’s Web. With any luck, it’ll be an improvement on the sweetish but jarringly musical 2001 animated version. As Moviehole reports:

“Charlotte’s Web” is filming right here in overcast—how quickly the weather changes in the city by the bay—Melbourne, and one of the paid aid contacted us to let us know who—besides the all star voice cast—will be joining Dakota Fanning in front of the Panavision wide-lens.

Siobhan Fallon Hogan, who played Stanley’s mother in the recent “Holes”, has been enlisted to play Mrs Zuckerman, the ‘butter milk bathing’ farm-wife. As has Kevin Anderson (“Sleeping with the Enemy”), Gary Basaraba who played officer Ray Hechler in “Boomtown”, Essie Davis (“The Matrix Revolutions”), and young actor Nate Mooney (“Elizabethtown”).

As previously announced, the all-star voice cast includes Julia Roberts as spider Charlotte, Oprah Winfrey as goose Gussy, John Cleese as Samuel the sheep, Steve Buscemi as sneaky rat Templeton, Reba McEntire and Kathy Bates as cows Betsy and Bitsy, and Outkast hip-hopper Andre 3000 as crow Elwyn.

Also in the cast: Cedric the Entertainer, Thomas Haden Church, and Andre Benjamin. Of course the versatile Bates has to be the cows, even without appearing live (does anyone even remember Betsy and Bitsy from the book?). And let’s get back to “crow Elwyn.” Tell me again why crows have to be characterized as shucking black fools? This is getting old—really old. From Wikipedia on the otherwise top-notch Dumbo (1941):

The crow characters in the film are in fact African-American caricatures; the leader crow voiced by Caucasian Cliff Edwards is officially named “Jim Crow.” The other crows are voiced by African-American actors, all members of the Hall Johnson Choir. Though Dumbo is often criticized for the inclusion of the black crows, it is notable that they are the only truly sympathetic characters in the film outside of Dumbo, his mother and Timothy. They apologize for picking on the elephant, and they are in fact the ones that help Timothy teach Dumbo to fly. The roustabout scene which features African American laborers largely in shadow and singing a working song that many find offensive has drawn similar complaints.

There are a lot of reasons to stop generating these tired and creatively limiting stereotypes (cast Bates as a crow. Cast Andre 3000 as a cow. These are voices we’re talking about here!), and I suspect White would have found eloquent ones. All the media have a responsibility to prevent yet another generation of children from believing African-Americans are only good for crude entertainment. As Charlotte says to Wilbur, “People believe almost anything they see in print”—or, for enough of us, see onscreen.

Who’s playing the live-action parts in Charlotte’s Web? [Moviehole]
Reversal of Roles: Subversion and Reaffirmation of Racial Stereotypes in Dumbo and The Jungle Book
[Alex Wainer, Ferris State University]
The New Black Animated Images of 1946: Black Characters and Social Commentary in Animated Cartoons [Journal of Popular Film and Television]
Two Black Crows [Banned Films]
Reel Bad Arabs [Third Way]

Haven’t I Seen You Somewhere Before?

Speaking of long-term art projects, this proto-iPod—a Braun TPI for 7-inch records, along with its attached T3 pocket receiver, each “cased in functional grey plastic body-shells”—was designed by Dieter Rams…in 1959. Retro futurism, you’re back!

Rams (b. 1932) seems to have prefigured the anemone-eared iPodders in his anxieties, too. In A Century of Design: Design Pioneers of the 20th Century, Penny Sparke writes that colleagues have described Rams as “a man with an acute sensitivity to order and chaos—one in particular likening him to ‘someone who has a very keen sense of hearing but who is forced to live in a world of shrill dissonance.’ ” Sparke continues, “For him the role of machines in the domestic environment were to be that of ‘silent butlers’: invisible and subservient, and there simply to make living easier and more comfortable. They were to be as self-effacing as possible and leave room for the role of beauty to be played by, say, a vase of flowers (in Rams’s case, the white tulips that he frequently chose to accompany his otherwise austere environments).”

Of course, the white-tulip effect of Mac objects has come to seem lovely unto itself despite the purist self-effacement—a monochrome respite from all that dissonance, while still being (of course) a canny advertisement for the brand. Silent butlers—I’ll say!

(1.03.05 and 1.24/31.05 issues) Aloha?

Thorough coverage of tropical Hawaii lately, in not one but two January numbers. Unfortunately, my cat mauled both and I’ve gotten Caitlin Flanagan’s explanation of why one would bring young twin boys, easily pleased by indoor waterslides, on a luxury island-paradise vacation mixed up with “A Season in the Sun,” a zesty and meticulously diacritical-marked advertorial three issues later (between pp. 52-53). Hoping you can help me sort them out again. Which sentence goes with which Hawaiian holiday?

At the community center, you can see the mountains from where you sit, and someone always brings a cooler.

At the Grand Wailea, children and parents exist in a kind of ageless Neverland, in which grownups happily spend hours splashing in kiddie pools and children climb into booster seats at a restaurant where adult entrees cost forty or fifty dollars.

Jetlag makes the melody’s bass line seem even more mellow, or is that the Mai Tai? Pack light, swim under the moon.

But at the Grand Wailea there are no censorious blue-hairs bumming you out for your lax parenting techniques.

Like the language itself, Hawai’i is rich with reminders of the world that the first Hawaiians made.

Busy parents want to spend some uninterrupted time with their children, but they also crave a substantial break from those children. Dad wants sex, but Mom has envisioned an interlude of near-monastic solitude.

Why did it rain when you picked that lehua flower?

You can ski there. You can ski there!

When you leave, will you recall the shades of blue?

Caitlin Flanagan on resort family vacations [FamilyScholars]

Back to the Kitchen, Circa 1950, with Caitlin Flanagan [Hillary Frey in Ms.]

I’m not the only one… [Midlife Mama]