Steve Martin to the New Pornographers in twelve hours. Hold on, Roz Chast to Jim Surowiecki in twelve hours. Or both? I’m delirious. The pull between form and freedom and Classicism and Romanticism kept coming up with everyone today—Milos Forman, Tom Stoppard, Justice Breyer, Chast, the jokey Pornographers, the Rejection Collection cartoonists, even Tim the genial, Jovian (Jon Bon, I mean) actor diligently impersonating a tech-support maven in a transparent box in Barnes & Noble for roughly those same twelve hours. (They had to boot the handsome guy to reboot the computer when it broke down.)

It’s either in the air in the bottles of water they were handing out at the techno party Friday night. Techno, structure and improvisation. It’s probably just as well that Stoppard wasn’t available to sway meditatively under the smoke machines; it might have caused an inner-earth molten-core disruption, though I have a hunch the man can dance. (See expressive photo after the jump.)

Tonight’s post, unlike last night’s, sponsored neither by Grey Goose vodka nor Amstel Light, though not for lack of available beverages. Note to youth: Sleeplessness is an inexpensive alternate substance, and Breyer would be the first to tell you it’s unimpeachably legal.

Well, it’s four in the morning and I’ve just closed out the place with Victoria Roberts (startlingly pretty, incidentally, and smart as a whip), so I’d say yes, they can indeed. Overheard on the genuinely pulsing (d.j. Michael Mayer was enjoying himself, visibly), smoke-machine-enchanced dance floor: “You’re too old for me, I gotta go” (twiggy twentysomething to beanstalkish thirtysomething); a festival helper told me the crowd earlier on had been “21 to 80.” I didn’t see any 80-year-olds dancing, but there were a lot of jubilant people of uncertain provanance jumping up on things and shaking whatever would shake, as well as New Yorker staffers aplenty, some seeking quieter corners to talk in. These people know how to have a good time, that’s clear. Sasha Frere-Jones was a generous host with an admirable amount of stamina, and he should do this every year.
Also, Donald Antrim was an even better reader than I expected, and I always have high expectations of him. Shivers.

If you have any interest in doing surveillance on me, here are my whereabouts for the next two and a half days. I’ll be posting as often as possible throughout the festival—and if you see me, please come say hello. The delicious illustration to the left is by Newyorkette, a.k.a. Carolita Johnson, and the much lusher and more detailed version (with trademark CAJ) is here.
Friday, October 6:
7 p.m.: Donald Antrim and Tobias Wolff
9:30 p.m.: Gary Shteyngart and George Saunders
10 p.m.-2 a.m.: New Yorker Dance Party, hosted by Sasha Frere-Jones, with special guest d.j. Michael Mayer
Saturday, October 7:
10 a.m.: Steve Martin and Roz Chast
12 p.m.: Andy Borowitz and Matt Diffee & co. (The Rejection Collection) book signing
1 p.m. Tom Stoppard and John Lahr
4 p.m. Justice Breyer and Jeffrey Toobin
4 p.m. If I can manage to split into two like a planarium: David Remnick signs Reporting at Union Square B&N
7:30 p.m.: Milos Forman and David Denby
10 p.m. New Pornographers and Jim Surowiecki
Sunday, October 8:
10 a.m.: Editing Master Class
11 a.m., planarium duty: Trillin signs books at Union Square B&N, Barry Lyndon screening
12 p.m.: Man of the Year screening with Lillian Ross
3 p.m.: Donald Antrim and George Saunders sign books at Union Square B&N
4 p.m.: Zadie Smith

It’s going to be a great festival. From the NY Post:

The seventh annual weekend festival, which opens tomorrow night and comprises more than 50 events, will include an encore interview of Jon Stewart by New Yorker Editor David Remnick to benefit the U.S.O.
When he signed up for last year’s chat with Stewart, Remnick says, “I didn’t know people still did a spit take. But I asked him some idiotic questions, and I ended up with water all over my shirt.” Which sounds less disturbing than another event, in which food writer Bill Buford “practically burned down a kitchen.”
…
Remnick says the festival (which is “much better,” he says, than the similar program offered by The New York Times next weekend – your turn to throw down, Pinch!) is profitable and will be around at least as long as he is. “These things sell out at a rate that continues to astonish us,” Remnick adds.

To deal with that, the magazine will for the first time present Webcasts on newyorker.com, though they won’t be posted until next week. The Chast-Martin discussion will be streamed along with four other events, including Malcolm Gladwell’s talk on secrets.

Will Gladwell really be there, or will he amp up the secrecy by having someone else pretend to be him, while he in turn assumes other identities? I think instead there should be multiple Gladwells, like in Shall We Dance, when Fred Astaire dances with dozens of bemasked Gingers. I always wondered how they could keep their balance while holding those masks steady, not to mention how that swan-backed lady could dance upside down like that; she must have had a few tipping points in her time.
The Post piece ends, amusingly:

The festival extends the magazine’s carefully nurtured brand, which is venturing in directions that might have disgruntled the editors Tom Wolfe dubbed “tiny mummies” in 1965. There’s a new board game, for instance. Can a John Updike action figure be far behind?
“It’s not a religion here,” says Remnick, who personally approves every coaster and shower curtain. “It’s meant to be fun as well as serious. So if there’s a great cover and somebody makes a poster of it and it’s done well, I don’t see how that stuff stops us from breaking the Abu Ghraib story.” The board game is based on a new feature that’s already become an institution: the back-page cartoon caption contest, whose fans are delirious bordering on psychotic. Just ask Mike Bloomberg.
“Mayor Bloomberg came up to me once,” Remnick recalls, “and he had a slightly accusatory look on his face, and I thought, ‘Uh-oh.’ He said, ‘I keep sending in these cartoon captions and I never get in, and it’s starting to p – – – me off.’ ”

Last night I met a guy, namely The Amateur Gourmet, who was languishing in bed with his folks and both sets of grandparents, wanly peeling back the wrapper of the only chocolate bar he and his family could manage to scrounge together the pence to buy, when he discovered that he, Charlie Bucket, had won the Golden Ticket!
OK, it didn’t happen exactly like that, but the A.G. did score tickets to “Come Hungry,” this Sunday’s completely un-get-into-able Calvin Trillin walking tour, perhaps the jewel in the crown of the New Yorker Festival each year for its utter exclusivity, its awarding of the longed-for jog beside Bud as he uncovers the secrets of Chinatown, and not in the Jack Nicholson way, for the Charlie Buckets of the world. I hope to interview this man, for he has about his pleasant foodie head a nimbus that will be envied and wept over for the entire year to come. Until next year, when each new Charlie in waiting will hold his breath, aching for that life-giving glint of gold.
Related on Emdashes:
Ecstatic reviews of Trillin’s ’02 and ’05 tours.
When Trillin talks, people listen.

but I can tell you where they are. I’ve been getting quite a few requests, or more accurately heartbroken sobs, about New Yorker Festival tickets, and I’m afraid I can’t help at all. But I can point you to Craigslist, where, at the moment, two tickets to the Pedro Almodovar event are going for $150, and the people willing to pay $100 for the David Remnick and Jon Stewart evening are never going to get anywhere. Meanwhile, over at eBay, PJ Harvey is going for $199.99 as a Buy It Now, and the many-itemed auction of festival packages and various New Yorker products—which benefits the worthy Project Cicero—is still hopping. If you have ready money to go with your warm heart, you might be in luck.

Or can’t afford the portable hard drive, or both? This auction, which benefits the nonprofit Project Cicero—they donate books to NYC classrooms and libraries, so it’s certainly worth giving them money anyway—might help you get over those nagging feelings of inadequacy and despair. Things you can win, and I’m quoting: New Yorker Festival V.I.P. packages; autographed books by New Yorker writers; your own custom cartoon by a New Yorker cartoonist; a night on the town, including tickets to a Broadway show; etc. It (the auction, not your despair, which may be longer-lasting) goes till September 22.
Looks like the bidding’s going to be heartbeat-quickening—at press time, the New Yorker Geek Pack (“$250 GEEK SQUAD Gift Certificate and ‘The Complete New Yorker’ DVD-ROM collection plus a Sony VAIO laptop computer!”) was going for $719. Better get in there!

Resident Advisor, which seems to be about clubs and stuff, says of the October 6 New Yorker Dance Party, part of the New Yorker Festival and hosted by Sasha Frere-Jones (DJ’d by him too? let’s find out), “Partygoers wanting to let their hair down will have to time things carefully as the event is only running for four hours, from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. Admission is $20.” The post includes the expected sophomoric asides, though I enjoyed this note for its dry silliness: “The magazine is also known for the fastidiousness of its grammar.”

I was just teasing before. Race to the New Yorker Festival site and get your tix, quick! You’ll have stiff competition for your top choices, so I hope your hand-to-mouse coordination is up to speed. All those video-game-playing and political-blog-reading hours have surely been good for something!

Revised: Aha, I got ahead of myself; the schedule’s not actually up yet, nor can you purchase tickets yet, so rest your hot little hands for now. Revised again: I’d decided to eighty-six this post and let you subscribe to the Festival Wire to get it your own self, but it seems if you sign up today you won’t get the schedule, so I’ll leave it up. You should really subscribe anyway.

Text-reddening and related links mine. Thanks, commenter, for the alert! You can buy your tickets on Sept. 7, so get your fingers limber before then. And do me a favor—don’t leave annoying messages on the Festival Comment Line. A very nice young man has to field them, and people barking about not getting Trillin tickets makes him sad, I hear.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6
An evening of paired readings by writers whose stories have appeared in The New Yorker; a New Yorker Town Hall Meeting on Islam and the West; and a New Yorker dance party.

FICTION NIGHT

Monica Ali and Aleksandar Hemon
7 P.M. Ailey Citigroup Theatre ($16)

Donald Antrim and Tobias Wolff
7 P.M. Cedar Lake Dance Studios ($16)

Yiyun Li and Edwidge Danticat
7 P.M. Bowery Poetry Club ($16)

Lorrie Moore and Julian Barnes
7 P.M. Newspace ($16)

Antonya Nelson and Thomas McGuane
7 P.M. Anthology Film Archives ($16)

Uwem Akpan and Louise Erdrich
9:30 P.M. Bowery Poetry Club ($16)

Charles D’Ambrosio and Sherman Alexie
9:30 P.M. Anthology Film Archives ($16)

Andrea Lee and T. Coraghessan Boyle
9:30 P.M. Cedar Lake Dance Studios ($16)

Jonathan Safran Foer and Edward P. Jones
9:30 P.M. Newspace ($16)

Gary Shteyngart and George Saunders
9:30 P.M. Ailey Citigroup Theatre ($16)

THE NEW YORKER DANCE PARTY
Join the internationally renowned d.j. Michael Mayer and The New Yorker’s Sasha Frere-Jones for a night of minimal techno and house music.
10 P.M. to 2 A.M. T New York ($20)
(Please note: You must be 21 to be admitted to this event.)

THE NEW YORKER TOWN HALL MEETING ON ISLAM AND THE WEST
Moderated by New Yorker staff writer George Packer. Panelists, to be announced, will include political figures, scholars, writers, and Muslim leaders.
7 P.M. Town Hall ($10)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7
A day of interviews, panel discussions, and New Yorker Talks, a new series; a poetry reading with John Ashbery; an About Town lunch prepared by Mario Batali.

WRITERS AND THEIR SUBJECTS

Manolo Blahnik and Michael Specter
1 P.M. Supper Club ($25)

The Honorable Stephen Breyer and Jeffrey Toobin
4 P.M. Celeste Bartos Forum
The New York Public Library ($25)

A poetry reading by John Ashbery
4 P.M. Florence Gould Hall
French Institute Alliance Française ($25)

IN CONVERSATION WITH

Roz Chast interviewed by Steve Martin
10 A.M. Supper Club ($25)

Calvin Trillin interviewed by Mark Singer
10 A.M. Celeste Bartos Forum
The New York Public Library ($25)

Garry Kasparov interviewed by David Remnick
1 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Tom Stoppard interviewed by John Lahr
1 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($25)

Pedro Almodóvar interviewed by David Denby
4 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($25)

NEW YORKER TALKS

Oliver Sacks
Revisiting “Awakenings”
10 A.M. Florence Gould Hall
French Institute Alliance Française ($25)

Anthony Lane
This Is Not Acting: Ava Gardner and the Mysteries of Stardom
1 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

PANELS

Global Warming
With James Hansen, Martin Hoffert, Robert Socolow, and Timothy E. Wirth. Elizabeth Kolbert, moderator.
10 A.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Midterm Elections
With Barney Frank and Dana Rohrabacher. Hendrik Hertzberg, moderator.
10 A.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Fiction Into Film
With Michael Cunningham, Jhumpa Lahiri, Mira Nair, Edward Norton, Sarah Polley, and Liev Schreiber. Deborah Treisman, moderator.
10 A.M. Directors Guild of America ($25)

Winning the War on Terror
With Bradford Berenson, Deborah Pearlstein, Michael Scheuer, and Ali Soufan. Jane Mayer, moderator.
1 P.M. Celeste Bartos Forum
The New York Public Library ($25)

TV, Movies, and the Mob
With Lorraine Bracco, Paul Haggis, Harold Ramis, Gerald Shargel, and Frank Vincent. Jeffrey Goldberg, moderator.
1 P.M. Florence Gould Hall
French Institute Alliance Française ($25)

Fake News
With Andy Borowitz, Scott Dikkers, and Ben Karlin. Nick Paumgarten, moderator.
4 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Medical Breakthroughs: The Next Frontier
With J. Michael Bishop, Daniel Callahan, Eric Kandel, and Eric Topol. Atul Gawande, moderator.
4 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

ABOUT TOWN

What You Can Do with Boiling Water
Mario Batali talks with Bill Buford
Mario Batali will discuss making, cooking, and serving pasta with Bill Buford as the two of them make lunch. Their dishes will be served with a selection of Italian wines.
1 P.M. Italian Wine Merchants ($125)

BOOK SIGNINGS
(Please note the schedule of book signings at the bottom of this e-mail.)
11 A.M. to 5 P.M.
Barnes & Noble Booksellers
Union Square (Free)

SATURDAY NIGHT, OCTOBER 7
Early and Late Shift events, many of them featuring live musical performance, throughout the city. There will also be an evening New Yorker Talk, with Lawrence Wright, and a sneak preview of the feature film “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.”

EARLY SHIFT

Steve Coogan talks with George Saunders
7:30 P.M. Cedar Lake Dance Studios ($35)

Milos Forman talks with David Denby
7:30 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($35)

PJ Harvey talks with Hilton Als:
A Conversation with Music
7:30 P.M. Supper Club ($35)
(Please note: You must be 21 to be admitted to this event.)

Liev Schreiber talks with John Lahr

7:30 P.M. Newspace ($35)

NEW YORKER TALKS

Lawrence Wright
“My Trip to Al-Qaeda”
8:30 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

LATE SHIFT

Composers on the Edge
Mason Bates, Corey Dargel, Nico Muhly, and Joanna Newsom talk with Alex Ross:
A Conversation with Music
10 P.M. BargeMusic ($35)

The New Pornographers talk with James Surowiecki:
A Conversation with Music
10 P.M. Newspace ($35)

Randy Newman talks with Susan Morrison:
A Conversation with Music
10 P.M. Supper Club ($35)
(Please note: You must be 21 to be admitted to this event.)

Gustavo Santaolalla talks with Jon Lee Anderson:
A Conversation with Music
10 P.M. Cedar Lake Dance Studios ($35)

Saturday Night Sneak Preview
“Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”
10 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($15)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8
A free screening of “Barry Lyndon,” with an accompanying talk by Simon Schama; a day of About Town excursions and events throughout the city; a benefit interview with Jon Stewart; talks by New Yorker writers; and a series of Master Classes.

ABOUT TOWN

Cruising Manhattan: An architectural boat tour with Paul Goldberger
Paul Goldberger discusses the architecture of Manhattan on a chartered ferry ride around the island. Brunch will be served.
10:30 A.M. Lexington Classic Cruiser
New York Skyports Marina ($75)

Sunday Matinée with Simon Schama
A screening of the 1975 film “Barry Lyndon,” directed by Stanley Kubrick, starring Ryan O’Neal in an adaptation of the William Makepeace Thackeray novel about the rise and fall of an Irish rake among the eighteenth-century British aristocracy. A discussion with Simon Schama will follow.
11 A.M. Directors Guild of America (Free event; first come, first seated.)

To the Ends of the Earth: An explorers’ brunch
Bruce Beehler, Constanza Ceruti, Reinhold Messner, and Bruce Robison will talk with David Grann about modern-day exploration. Brunch will be served.
1 P.M. Explorers Club ($75)

My Life in Three Courses
Nora Ephron talks with Ken Auletta
Nora Ephron cooks three dishes, each representing a distinct phase in her life, while Ken Auletta helps out in the kitchen. Snacks and drinks will be provided.
1 P.M. Culinary Loft ($75)

Inside the House of Zac
Zac Posen talks with Judith Thurman
In his atelier, Zac Posen will discuss the creation of his new collection—from concept to manufacture, from the runway to the boulevard.
1 P.M. The meeting place will be indicated on the tickets. ($75)

Come Hungry
Calvin Trillin leads his sixth annual gastronomic walking tour of downtown, sharing his favorite eateries and culminating in a dim-sum banquet in Chinatown.
1 P.M. The starting point will be indicated on the tickets. ($100)

IN CONVERSATION WITH

Jon Stewart talks with David Remnick
4 P.M. Directors Guild of America ($50)
All ticket proceeds will go to the Committee to Protect Journalists and the U.S.O.

NEW YORKER TALKS

Mohammed Nasseehu Ali
Blinding the Seer: Our Love/Hate Relationship with Prophets
10 A.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Malcolm Gladwell
The Case Against Secrets
1 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

Zadie Smith
Fail Better
4 P.M. 37 Arts ($25)

MASTER CLASSES
Seminars for people with advanced interest in the topic.

Master Class in Editing
With Roger Angell, Dorothy Wickenden, and Daniel Zalewski.
10 A.M. Condé Nast Auditorium ($25)

Master Class in Criticism
With Hilton Als and Anthony Lane.
1 P.M. Condé Nast Auditorium ($25)

Master Class in Cartooning
With Matthew Diffee and Edward Koren.
4 P.M. Condé Nast Auditorium ($25)

BOOK SIGNINGS
(Please note the schedule of book signings at the bottom of this e-mail.)
11 A.M. to 5 P.M.
Barnes & Noble Booksellers
Union Square (Free)

HEADQUARTERS
The New Yorker Festival headquarters is at the Union Square Barnes & Noble Booksellers, 33 East 17th Street. There you can find additional information on Festival programs and purchase last-minute available tickets. You may also purchase books and DVDs by New Yorker and Festival contributors. The headquarters will be open on Friday from 3 to 10 P.M., on Saturday from 10 A.M. to 10 P.M., and on Sunday from 10 A.M. to 5 P.M.

BOOK SIGNINGS
Following is a schedule of Saturday and Sunday free book signings at Festival Headquarters. Schedule subject to change.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7

11 A.M.
T. Coraghessan Boyle — “Talk Talk”
Edward P. Jones — “All Aunt Hagar’s Children: Stories”

12 NOON
Andy Borowitz — “The Republican Playbook”
Matthew Diffee (editor) — “The Rejection Collection:
Cartoons You Never Saw, and Never Will See, in The New Yorker”
Featuring: Marisa Acocella Marchetto, Danny Shanahan, David Sipress, Barbara Smaller, Gahan Wilson, and Jack Ziegler

1 P.M.
Elizabeth Kolbert — “Field Notes from a Catastrophe: Man, Nature, and Climate Change”

2 P.M.
Thomas McGuane — “Gallatin Canyon: Stories”
Antonya Nelson — “Some Fun: Stories and a Novella”

3 P.M.
Julian Barnes — “Arthur & George”
Andrea Lee — “Lost Hearts in Italy: A Novel”

4 P.M.
Jeffrey Goldberg — “Prisoners: A Muslim and a Jew Across the Middle East Divide”

David Remnick — “Reporting: Writings from The New Yorker”

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8

11 A.M.
Calvin Trillin — “A Heckuva Job: More of the Bush Administration in Rhyme”

12 NOON
Monica Ali — “Alentejo Blue: Fiction”
Gary Shteyngart — “Absurdistan: A Novel”

1 P.M.
Roz Chast — “Theories of Everything: Selected, Collected, and Health-Inspected Cartoons by Roz Chast, 1978-2006”

2 P.M.
Lawrence Wright — “The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11”

3 P.M.
Donald Antrim — “The Afterlife: A Memoir”
George Saunders — “In Persuasion Nation: Stories”

4 P.M.
Bill Buford — “Heat: An Amateur’s Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany”
Nora Ephron — “I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman”

Tickets to all Festival events may be purchased on Thursday, September
7th, at 12 noon E.S.T. All programming is subject to change. Tickets available online at ticketmaster.com, at all outlets, or by phone: call 1-877-391-0545. All ticket orders are subject to service charges.

The 2006 program schedule will also appear in the September 11th issue of The New Yorker, on newsstands September 4th. The Festival schedule will also be posted on the same date on festival.newyorker.com.

See you at the Festival!

The image source, of 4-H photos from the ’20s (that’s an egg race above), is lots of fun.